Overcoming the fear of being rejected

As I told you, I fell in love three times in my life, once in High School and twice at uni.

My first year at uni was overwhelming. So many changes in my life. I moved out from my parents’ house, most of my friends left the island to study in France, and I found myself studying law.

Studying law was not my initial plan. It was not my plan A, but more my plan C…. Let’s say that life happens….

The amphitheatre Frantz Fanon in the University of Martinique was packed with students mostly like me who were not sure whether or not studying law was the right path for them.

At that time, I was fascinated by the freedom that I had at uni. No one was monitoring us and the doors were always opened. Meaning I could be somewhere else.

While I was talking to my friends outside the amphitheatre during a break between International law and Constitutional law I saw him.

Should I give you his name? Let me think… No… lol but let’s call him Michael. I kind of like this name.

So, Michael for the sake of this love story was handsome.

Université des Antilles (university)

I really liked his presence. I don’t know there was something about him that makes me look at him from afar.

It started with me looking at his direction a couple of times during the lecturer, and then me observing him. I tried to be prudent so my friends sitting next to me would not notice.

For weeks, I was looking at him, you know like you are observing your prey.

Little by little, I asked some questions around who knew what about this guy. Who I had classes with him. Does someone know if he has a girlfriend?

I remember waiting for the right opportunity to go and talk to him. I was determined to find out if he finds me attractive, and if he will be interested to go out with me.

To be honest, I am not the type of women who go and talk to a man, but I guess I was young and bold.

Also, I learned from my first experience, no need to suffer, let’s find out if I am his type or not. I have nothing to lose.

For weeks, in the morning I looked at him but I could not move. I was paralysed. I was frustrated at myself. What do I fear? I tried to encourage myself. You can do this Jessy! What are you afraid of? It’s nothing. If he says no, it’s ok. At least, I would have an answer.

I have to admit I failed at that.

So I had to consider another solution.

A coward one in my opinion. I am sure you know which one? Asking a friend to go and talk to him. Yes, it was down to that. I must say I was not proud of myself. I was disappointed at myself but at least I would have an answer.

Operation Michael started.

I asked one of my friends who I had an English class with him to go and talk to him for me. Now, I don’t remember if I told her to give him my number or asked him his number. Anyway we ended up talking. He found me attractive, yeah!!!

I must say that I felt good about myself. Operation Michael was a success. The guy was into me. Yeah !!! We talked a lot and I liked him more and more. I liked the way he stands. There was something about his presence. He had authority without saying a word. Also, I liked his perfume, there is a something about men’s perfumes. Am I the only one?

What I liked about him the most was the fact that he was ambitious and determined. He had a plan and he knew what he wanted. It was kind of rare for men at this age. Remember it was my first year at Uni. So we were 18. Now, I wondered if he achieved everything he wanted to.

Anyway, I fell in love with him. Also, I was happy because I went for what I wanted and I was with him. We were talking and laughing together. It was nice.

But… yes there was a but. I was new to this. I did not have any experience of what was like having a boyfriend. I don’t know… I did not feel good enough for him.

Unfortunately, his plan was to move to France the following year, and I was not ready to leave my beautiful island. At that moment, I felt lost in my life. I did not know if studying law was for me, and what I wanted to do with my life. So many questions at that age… What do we know about life at 18?

I started comparing his life to my life. At 18, he had already travelled a lot, he was from a well established family, and he had a plan. My family could nearly make it at the end of the month, at that time I travelled once to France, Spain, and Portugal. You think it’s a lot but to me it was nothing compared to him.

This is how you can self sabotage a beautiful relationship by comparing your life to your partner’s life. The guy never said anything to me or did something to make me feel less than him. Everything was in my own mind. My own insecurities.

The relationship ended quickly. I provoked an argument and I did not apologise. Just ignored him like nothing happened between us. I know, I know, I know. Remember I was 18. Knew nothing about life. At this time, it was easier to end up like this than facing that I felt insecure.

Also, I could not see a future with him because he was about to leave our beautiful island. He did live the island and I did meet him once when he came back on holidays and that was it.

Thinking back, he was a good man, but not the right man for me. He was already responsible and driven at 18.

I wondered what happened to him after that.

Please if you are Michael and you are reading this do not contact me…. Lol and sorry I had to call you Michael.

Please don’t self-sabotage your love story because of your insecurities. If a man is in love with you it’s because you are worth his love.

Work on your own self, and keep the man.

Avec amour…