Friendships can be like wine…

Today, I would like to talk to you about friendships. I have amazing friends, they are like family to me, but it’s not always been the case.

I am a survivor of different types of abuse. As a young adult, I had trust issues. I could not trust people, and be who I really was. I could not open up about what was going on in my life, and be 100% myself.

Consequently, I was presenting one version of myself. Which one? You may wonder. The warrior one ha ha ha… I was fearless, in control, confident, and knew what I wanted. I was always careful of what I was sharing with others. Knowing that once it’s out it’s not mine anymore. You have to trust someone with your personal information and truths about yourself. Knowing that this someone may have another friend who she or he feels closer to. The temptation is always there to share what you’ve just shared with them.

I have a friend. We’ve met when we were 13 or 14 years old. Same secondary school, same high school, and same Uni. We were on our own path but at the same location. We had our group of friends, and we used to hang out together having conversations about everything and anything.

In case you wonder, yes it’s a man. You know at that time (18/25 years old) it was hard for me to have great friendships with women. Having relationships with women was hard-work. You always have to be careful about how you say things. You cannot tell the truth cause you might hurt them, some are very sensitive. Always have to sugarcoat anything I said, cause I did not want to hurt some of them, even if I knew deep down that the truth is better than sweet lies.

Let me explain. When I say anything I mean the thing that matters the most. Let me give you an example. You go out with a guy, he does not like you and he keeps cheating on you. One of my friends kept sharing the same story every month but could not hear the truth. How can I tell you that he loves you and he will change?! Clearly, you are just entertaining him. If I said it like that it will make you cry, and you will say that I am not a good friend cause I told you the truth. A difficult one I know, but still the truth….

As your friend, I should be able to tell you the truth. Please, don’t ask me to watch you while you are heading to the cliff. As your friend, I want to help you, to protect you, and to see you happy. So, I will confront you with your decisions, behaviours, and attitudes, because I want the best for you. At 34 years old, all my friends can handle the truth. Back then, it was another story…. continuons….

Also, with some of my girlfriends if I did not send them a message each day, I had to hear something sarcastic, before they could talk to me. I could not spend two or three days without sending them a message or call them (back then we were still doing that - calling friends). In my mind, I was like these relationships are too much work for me. Can I breathe please? We don’t even live together?!

Let’s come back to the story with my male friend. Should I give you his name? No, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Let’s call him Steven lol

I will start with this, the key of our relationship is based on the fact that there is no physical attraction between us. I don’t fancy him and he does not fancy me. This fact did not change with time. So, we are all clear here. Also, nothing happened between us. No “oups” situation, or a “bullshit” story involving alcohol, like you did not know what we were both doing, and ended up in the same bed like magic.

Sorry I had to say that. Some people think we are stupid. Yes, I said WE.

With Steven, everything was easy. I could disappear for days, no hard feelings. He did not take anything personally, I could say whatever I wanted (always with respect of course), and say things how they were. I did not have to sugarcoat everything. It was freedom. We always have honest and sincere conversations. We agree to disagree on many things, and always respect each other.

This relationship was easy. You know I kept asking myself why it has to be so hard with women (when I was 20/25). Because it was a man, there was no competition, no envy, and no jealousy. Also, I could talk about men with him and have an honest opinion. Please don’t sell me the bullshit story about “prince charming”, just tell me the truth on how men truly are.

This relationship was the best friendship that I had back then. This relationship was also a seed, cause I asked God to have a relationship like that with women, and God did it… maybe a story for another time.

When I was younger (20/25) my relationship with Steven helped me a lot cause this relationship was and still is healthy. You know I had trust issues with everything that happened to me when I was a child and a teenager.

So, one day I made a decision. I decided to trust him. I said to myself he has not done nothing against me, and he has always been respectful, after knowing him for almost 6/7 years. I remember where I was, when I made this decision. Steven and I were having a conversation with friends in the campus cafeteria. I decided to take a risk and let my guard down, and you know what I’ve never regretted my decision.

Because I trusted him, I took a risk with other women that are now close to me. He showed me that he could be trusted, and he has my best interest at heart. Even as a man, he showed me that they are good men out there that really respect women. They don’t all have an hidden agenda.

Our relationship is strong despite the fact that I don’t live anymore on the island. Years ago, I gave him the official title of “my best friend”.

Also, our relationship evolved with time, cause we are not the same people, and we don’t have the same responsibilities in life. What I like about this relationship is the fact that he saw me in all seasons of my life. You know the good, the bad, and the ugly. He is a witness of my changes, my growth, my pain, my failures and my victories. He knew me single, in a long term relationship, and single again. He knew me when I did not have money, and when I had plenty.

It’s not a relationship from the past, but a relationship in the now. We evolved throughout the years, and the bond is still strong. How many years you may ask? 20 years!!!! A lifetime.

Again, no physical attraction, just a man and a woman who want the best for each other.

When I am with him I feel like a child. I feel like we are in kindergarten, no adult responsibilities. Just good times. I remember we used to explore the island together, and talked about anything.

When I moved to the UK, I used to go back often to Martinique (before the pandemic), and we had the same habits. We like going to restaurants with friends, and spending time in nature (beach, rivers, forest, mountain etc…).

It’s nice to have a common story with someone. Someone who saw you when you were 14, 18, 20, 25, 30, and now 34 years old. The relationship gets better with time because you learn a lot about a person with time. Also, when you know someone in a deeper level, you don’t need to express everything with words. You can understand someone in pure silence. Sometimes, just with a look.

You know even in a marriage, you still learn things about your partner after 3,5,10 and 15 years together. It’s never ending cause you are constantly changing and becoming.

My dear, I wish you could experience that as well. A strong bond with someone that likes you for who you are. Someone who knows the real you. Someone that can testify about your character cause he or she’s seen it all. Someone who just wants the best for you. Someone who does things for you just because. You can laugh together when you say stupid things. Someone that makes you feel like a child again, there are no barriers because you feel safe with this person. You can be imperfectly perfect. No need to pretend, just be yourself.

You know it’s pure love.

A bientôt…