Loving yourself is indeed a journey.

To write this, I had to ask myself how I became confident in my own skin, and how can I help you to be confident in your own skin?

Nowadays, we are bombarded with images of what we should look like, and what we should have.

Many people compare themselves to models, famous people, influencers etc… You can be beautiful and feel ugly cause you don’t look like someone you admire. You feel that you are not enough, you haven’t accomplished enough, you don’t have this or you don’t have that. You can feel that you are lacking in some or all areas of your life. You don’t matter. You don’t bring anything to the table. You have nothing to give. You are an empty vessel… etc.

I will stop there cause it’s depressing…

Let’s start by being confidence in your body.

How it started?

First experience - It started when I had to go to a new school when I was 13 years old. My parents decided to leave the capital Fort-de-France to move to the north Atlantic. I had two years left and here I was in this new school. Changing school is difficult cause you have to make new friends and you have to adapt to new rules and systems. Also, you have to adapt to new mentalities. I won’t lie to you, this period of my life was hell. I am not kidding. Hell! At least, this how I remember it.

Something strange happened, if in my previous school I was not considered beautiful, in this one I was. This is when I learned that beauty standards are different depending on where you live. Even in the same island, the way they perceived me was different.

In my first school, you could find people with all shades, from light to dark. White people, mixed race, light skinned, Indian descendant, “milk chocolate”, and dark skinned people. The lighter you are the more attractive you are. It was not something spoken, it was unconsciously now that I think about it. I think it was this way even in primary school, but we did not speak about that back then. I believe it’s one of the inheritance of slavery. Let’s move on…

So, I put myself back then just before the dark skinned. No, I was not a light skinned person. On the island, I was all the time outside, and I like being at the beach, so my skin was darker. In London, the sun does not burn my skin, that’s why my skin is lighter here.

From that experience, I learned that people perceive you in a way or another depending on where you live. A group of people can find you beautiful, while another group can find you ugly. It’s just a judgement based on personal preferences and beauty standards.

The second experience - Then, I went to high school and I had two best friends. I was wearing braces ha ha ha. My two girlfriends were getting attention from boys. If one came to me, it was to talk to them. So, I often felt like the third wheel. I was not depressed about it. I accepted the situation, and I accepted who I was.

Around this time, I made the decision to accept who I was fully. I told myself I am “potable”. Meaning, I am not the ugliest and I am not the most beautiful, and I am ok with it. I decided to accept all my imperfections, all of them. I decided that I won’t feel ashamed, less than, down or humiliated because I am not perfect. I am not going to compare myself to anyone. I am ok with who I am. I won’t let anyone make feel a certain way because they think I am not beautiful.

This decision was freeing because it allows me till this day to feel good in my skin.

When you feel ugly every day it’s like being in bondage. It’s hard to choose clothes to wear, it’s hard to find the right hair style for the day. Going to the beach becomes a nightmare. You are too self-conscious, and you cannot stop comparing your body to other’s. It can become an obsession. If you have to speak in public, you will think about all your imperfections, and you'll lose confidence on stage. It’s like being in slavery mentally. It ruins your life.

You have to accept that you are not perfect. People will judge you based on your appearance. You have to make the decision to no let that affects you. Choose to love yourself! Choose to experience life fully!

If you want to lose weight, by all means do something about it, but don’t let it kill you and your joy. Let it be a goal that you are working on every day.

The last experience - One day I was talking to a male friend. We were in our early twenties, and he had a friend that was very popular at the time. She was doing photoshoots, modelling, and appeared in music videos. He told me that she confided in him, and told him that at time she felt ugly. I was shocked. I found her sooooooooooo beautiful. In my opinion, one of the most beautiful women in Martinique. That was it. I said to myself even beautiful women sometimes feel ugly.

Also, in Martinique, beautiful women are everywhere. It’s hard to feel that you are the most beautiful one. It’s best to accept your imperfections, and walk like a Queen among other Queens.

Because of all of that, you can call me “ugly”, I won’t care about a thing, and I will still sleep like a Queen. People’s opinions do not matter to me. Sorry, this life is already hard, and I don’t need one more struggle.

If you think about it we were not created to look exactly alike, be the same, and do the exact same thing.

Observe the nature, and you will see diversity. Is an apple tree better than a palm tree? They were not created for the same purpose. They don’t bear the same fruits. You know, I spent a lot of time in the countryside when my maternal grandparents were alive, and we had trees everywhere on the land. We had most of the tropical trees. Even on the same tree, the fruits are different, they are unique. They look alike but they are not exactly the same.

Also, if you think about it, each tree has its own season to bear fruits. I knew when all trees (the mango, guava, avocado trees etc…) were about to bear fruits. All year around, I knew where to go to eat fresh fruits from the trees. As a child, I climbed most of them, and eat fruits while I was on the top. Yes, yes, yes…. great memories in the countryside on the island.

Now, let’s talk about being confident with where you are in life.

This one is not easy, cause you have to accept that you cannot control everything.

I remember when I turned 25. That was a tragedy. I was crying all day cause I felt like a failure.

At 25, I was not where I wanted to be in life. I repeat it was a tragedy. When I was 18, I had a plan. At 25, I did not accomplish everything, and it was the end of the world for me. How could I? What had happened? Why? Tell me why? Why am I still at this stage?

It’s good to have a plan, cause having a plan helps you to go from point A to point B. The thing is we should be flexible with timing and the journey to get there. You can only do what you can do, and you have to trust the process.

Also, the journey to get to your destination is like building a house. You have to start by the foundation. The foundation can be finding out who you truly are, find your first job, learning new skills, going back to school, or being somewhere where you did not expect.

The foundation of your house does not look like the foundation of my house. Building the foundation can take time, that’s why it can be frustrating cause you don’t see the end of it.

This is so true. I can only connect the dots now at 34 years old. The “25 years old” me was sad, frustrated, and angry at life.

It’s hard to love yourself and be confident when you feel lost in your life, you are in the middle of nowhere, and you did not achieve what you wanted. It’s easy to compare ourselves to the people who went to school with, our brothers or sisters, our neighbours, our colleagues, or strangers on social media.

When I moved to London I had to start from square one. It looked like a step back, not a promotion. Why? When I came to the UK I did not have a good level in English. Yes, I have two degrees in law, and I worked 6 months as a legal assistant. Unfortunately, I could not work in law firms or legal departments, because of my level in English. No choice to find jobs in other areas while I was improving in English.

Back home, my friends were buying news cars, moving into flats or houses while I was living in House Share or Flat Share. Some of them were asking me : “when are you gonna buy a car”. I was like for what I don’t need that in London. I will be honest, it’s not how I envision my twenties…

I am telling you, moving in the UK did not look like a promotion. The first 5 years it looked like a step back. Instead of moving forwards, I was moving backwards. It took me a long time to adapt to a new system, a new lifestyle, and new mentalities. Don’t let me start on the weather here…

The truth is we do not have the same path.

That’s why we should not compare our journey to others. Even, if we are going to the same destination, we will go on different roads to get there. Before arriving to the destination, you have things to experience, and things to learn. The journey is perfecting us, and getting us ready for the destination. Also, we are not the same person. I don’t need what you need, and vice versa. Your journey is not the same as mine.

Consequently, even if I still don’t have all that I want I am ok with where I am now. I know I am on the right path, heading to my destination. As I told you, now I can see the dots connecting. Now, everything makes sense.

Let it go, and trust the process! You will make it! It’s just a matter of time.

Practice self-compassion - Also, what I learned on my journey is you should be compassionate towards yourself. Do your best, reward yourself when you can, and keep going. Don’t be too hard on yourself for things that are not in your hands. You cannot control everything. You can only do your best.

We are all becoming. We are all on the road of self-discovery. You are not the same person that you were 5, 10 or 15 years ago. We have to constantly reinvent ourselves. Each season requires a new version of ourselves.

So forgive yourself for all the mistakes, and all the bad decisions. Let the past behind, and move forward. Don’t let the old versions of you control who you are today. We all deserve a second chance. Be positive about your future. You will do great things, and you will accomplish what you want at the right time. Be patience cause you cannot rush the harvest season (what I learned recently).

Have a combative spirit that refuses to die. Rise again and again.

Choose to love yourself despite your past.

Choose to love yourself no matter what your nationality is, no matter the language you speak with an accent or not, the colour of your skin, your ethnicity, your age, your background etc…

Embrace who you are fully. Embrace all the parts of you. Allow yourself to live fully.

Choose to love yourself despite what they think and say about you.

Choose to love yourself all day every day.

We all need love, and it should start with us.

So, love yourself.

Avec tout mon amour…